Day # one 7/24 2013

I never thought my life would have ever gotten to this point, Is probably not the best start to a blog geared to a positive change in life. Today i woke up with the consciousness of self. The awareness that my path in this world is more than this. More than what you see, more than what i was looking at in the mirror today.  With this awareness i decided to make a physical change to what i see in the mirror. 

This blog is my diary of me being honest to myself while overcoming my fears and the demons that i struggle with everyday. It seem crazy that i would do this. I hope that my doing this may help someone else that is struggling with their self worth. I am not a writer and this is not the best writing you will ever see. I am sure of that. This is just the best picture i can paint for the changing process.

From here i am going to embark on a journey of self change. The journey will involve mental and physical growth, I will be tested for will and courage and strength. I will document my every reaction to be accountable to myself and as a log to see my progress and what stages i have excelled at and what stage i was weak.
The start of my journey is as i am in the above picture. The exterior is very rough and could use some grooming. We will see if that will change in the future.
This journey is for 60 days. It is a challenge that i posed to myself because i am not happy with where i am in my life. I don't think i am alone and maybe in some way i can help someone as well as help myself in the process.
My life prior to today is spent feeling sorry for myself, feeling soulless and empty, knowing that i am loved, feeling afraid of rejection and facing who i am inside. At this point in my life, i have seen many things, some i am grateful to have seen and others, well, i wished i had not known about.

I am not sure what kind of person i am anymore. I am lost in the sea of my own judgement and attitude towards my self worth. These 60 days will determine how much i want to be a part of my own life instead of just floating in this emptiness.

After taking the pictures in my mirror i forced myself to do 10 push ups. I was not sure what good that would do. But i know it was something different from what i normally did each day. It was hard to get started and it was painful. I push through while fighting the urge to jerk off.  Yes masturbate away my time into nothing, that was more of my daily routine than doing one push up was ever part on my day.
I went to the kitchen and made myself some breakfast.  It was eggs, ripe plantains, tomatoes and toast. I have no idea what the health risk or benefits are. That was available and i felt that would be easy to make. In addition to that i made a bowl of Ramen noodles. A cup of cocoa, and a large glass of water.

I sat and enjoyed my breakfast, it was very tasty and filling. Especially when i got to the ramen noodles. I thought to myself " this is not healthy" then i convinced myself that i didn't know what i was talking about, After all i was not a health nut. It was then that i realize that i need to be more of a "health nut" for now to get the most out of this experience.

After breakfast, I complained to myself that i should be doing more to improve self. Then i gave myself the excuse, "but i don't know how" so even though i know what i should do. The first battle towards change as begun.

That was my morning.